Muse

All Photos By Billy Sheahan

Its been a bit since I wrote a entry for my journal. I think of it often like my friends but it gets lost behind trying to keep up with writing, recording, touring, modeling, sleeping, eating, love making, attempting to get to the gym, meditate, and over all stay somewhat balanced . It used to be easier to write, mainly because I was so removed from people, I lived behind my screen in my box with my friends and co creators but it was a cocoon and so I felt more free. I was less concerned about how what I may say may affect my reality and was much more open. I miss that sometimes the days where I said what I wanted with abandon, without worrying about it being in my file or being misunderstood and forever held against me.
But I feel like writing more often and as openly as I can without getting myself in too much trouble.

Performing at the Oregon Country fair was a epic experience, I have sadly had trouble at many of the big shows prior, my mic got unplugged at harmony, then I wasn’t patched in to the main mix and so I heard me but the audience didn’t which was hard because I worked so hard to have it all just ripped out . It taught me allot and that was last year, I continued to work and try to grow and find ways to work around any problem, and it seems the last run of shows we have done have all been very smooth despite a blown sub or a miscommunication here and there.
But I believe in the method of continuing to try and to grow and work hard, if things go wrong pick myself up dust myself off and do it all over again. The Oregon Country fair is old school I heard some of the stories of how it evolved out of the Merry Pranksters world. We were the first electronic band to be allowed to play the mainstage, it was a big deal because for years there has been a struggle and we were chosen to usher in a new era despite the controversy. It was raining, I posted something on my twitter regarding if they built us a bubble and someone who was at the fair responded ” no but there is lots of mud”. They were correct we arrived and after taking a good amount of time to get to the mainstage I went wondering around I was very happy to have worn my big black boots which can handle massive mud puddles. The fair felt pretty magical, lots of history, very warm, and there were all types of people there I didn’t get to see the whole fair because I had to report back for the show, but I got a taste, in the rain and mud dressed for the stage in all black, watching the naked people roll in the mud and the children dive head first into the puddles of mud.

We performed in the rain, the audience was there in the rain, excited, supportive, very warm, it was one of the most magical shows i have ever played, I felt very connected to the audience, my microphone worked, and magic happened. We played two encores and then had to leave although it was like leaving after a first date with the longing to continue the night deep into the next day .The show ended and people thanked us, the rain continued and then I dived into the world a bit deeper. Many of the people I never get to see except when touring or at festivals were there, the forest was magical and we stayed for a few hours till close to midnight. Then we had to leave to return to the hotel, leaving the safe warm cozy magical forest and returning into the real world was a bit intense, the contrast between how I felt there and then under the bright lights, walmarts, 7 elevens, cop cars pulling over people, concrete and man made reality was hard to take for me. I wanted to stay there in the forest, under the trees, far awayI from the blue lights and the walmarts, the plastic covering where the trees used to be. But I knew i had to go, even though I wanted to stay and just crawl inside the earth and sleep under the trees. Its hard for me I have such a connection to nature that seeing it destroyed often leaves me feeling as if i lost someone i loved dearly.

We were in the city for a day, an explosion due to misunderstandings ripped through my reality and it ate up what little time I had between shows up. Then we left for lake TTahoe, to play another show , tahoe is a quirky place, this big beautiful lake with amazing natural art pieces then hotels, stores, casinos, a mixture of people, from the family types to those who are up all night playing with powder and drinking till words blend into nonsense. I enjoyed my time there, it was quirky, the subs had been blown by the show before us, but we played anyways, after the show people came up and thanked us, I talked to some of the ladies there for awhile after the show about the world we are in now and what and how we can do something to protect, love, heal it and each other. The next day we explored a bit, tried to go to secret cove beach but couldn’t find it, and ended up hanging out with our friend there for a bit as well. He invited us to Reno to come see the glitch mob, and I really wanted to go cause steve rocks, but I felt the need to return to continue to work on new tunes and try to balance out a bit before the next shows in austin and chicago.

Returning home, we worked on music, my i phone app, went to the farmers market to get the best food on the planet and am now using the next few days to write a new song and work on starting another before heading out again on tuesday night. I am wishing I could clone myself for I feel very spread thin, not to a point of causing a melt down, but to the point of always feeling there is so much I want to do I just can’t do because I can’t seem to find enough hours in the day to keep up with everything, oversee everything, write, practice, rehearse, shoot, edit, sing, dance, move, I have so many ideas, visions, dreams and can’t channel them as fast as they come and so I feel like I have a garden and I try my best to maintain it but sometimes I come out and a plant died because I didn’t nurture it enough.

I am very excited about my iphone app though because i will be able to upload a new picture, or song, journal, video, tour-dates etc, and it will show up right away on your phone, that makes me happy, I want to be able to connect directly with my fans and community and I feel this will be a cool way to do it, and my poor website has been neglected for so long because if it comes to use my time to make art, music, tour, or model, or update my site, its my site that has been sacrificed, and I have slacked on myspace lately using twitter and facebook for the most part because I can do it from my phone and its fast. I am excited to release it and hope people enjoy it I spent a good amount of time putting lots of love and art into it, and hope it can inspire others.
I need to go work on music but will try to write more soon

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